Understanding Others

Understanding Others Arguments are a breeding ground for discontent. Yet many arguments, especially with people we love, are birthed from simple misunderstandings that are blown out of proportion. Understanding other people is a tall order because everybody is differentâ€"but thats what makes life worthwhile: our time on this planet would be mundane if we all had the same personalities, desires, values, and beliefs. And yet, even with our myriad distinctions, we all want the same things out of life: happiness, purpose, fulfillment. Too often, however, we believe our way is the right way: we believe our path toward contentment is the single correct path. So, instead of attempting to understand other points of view, we try to force people onto our path, shoving aside their beliefs to showcase why we are right and why they are wrong. This type of fervent, unwavering certitude is rarely a good ideaâ€"even if you are rightâ€"because it discounts the other persons thoughts and feelings, which leads to defensive posturing, which leads to arguing, which leads to discontentment, which leads to further posturing, misunderstandings, arguments, discontentment. What an ugly cycle. To avoid this spiral of misunderstandingâ€"and eventually arrive at a place of shared contentmentâ€"we must avoid acting on impulse, and we must instead work through the four stages of understanding others: Tolerate. Tolerance is a weak virtue, but its a good start. If someones behavior seems bothersome, it is best to avoid the knee-jerk reactions of fight or flight, and instead find ways to tolerate their differences. For example, lets say youre an aspiring minimalist, but your partner is an enthusiastic collectorâ€"a clear dichotomy of beliefs. Your partner believes collecting porcelain figurines or vintage guitars is the bomb diggity; you believe their treasures are clutter. So youre left scratching your noggin, wondering how to convert them to your singularly valid viewpoint, which can be mind-numbingly frustrating. Dont worry, though, you neednt get on the same page right way; you need only understand you both have your reasons for being on separate pages. By tolerating someones quirks, and allowing them to live happily within their own worldview, you may not understand their obsession with creepy statuettes or unplayed musical instruments, but at least you will be on a path toward understanding that person as an individualâ€"and thats a big first step. Congrats! Accept. To truly live in concert with others, we must quickly move past tolerance toward acceptance. Once youve made a concerted effort to at least tolerate the other persons quirks, their beliefs begin to seem less silly and, in time, more meaningfulâ€"not meaningful to you, but meaningful to someone you care about. Once you realize your partners collection has a purpose to them, it is easier to accept because it is a part of who they are as a whole person; and while you may not like a particular behavior, you still love the entire person, foibles and all. Respect. Acceptingâ€"not just tolerating, but truly acceptingâ€"someones idiosyncrasies is difficult, but not nearly as challenging as respecting that person because of his or her idiosyncrasies. Think about it: it took you this many years to arrive at your current credo, so it might be a tad unreasonable to expect someone else to meet you there overnight, no matter how cogent your counterargument. Okay, so perhaps youd never hoard figurines or guitars, but there are many beliefs you hold that, at face value, seem ridiculous to someone else. But even when other people dont agree with you, even when they dont understand your stance, you still want them to respect your beliefs, right? So why not extend that same respect to the people you love? Only then will you move closer to understanding; only then will you begin to realize your worldview isnt the solitary axiom by which everyone must live. Sure, its nice to have a clutterfree home, but its even nicer to share your life with people you respect. Appreciate. With respect in your rearview, understanding is right around the bend. Continuing our example, lets say your partner experiences great joy from their collection. Why would you want to change that? You want them to be happy, right? Well, if their collection brings contentment to their life, and if you truly care about that person, then their collection should bring joy to your life, too, because happiness is contagious, but only after you get past the arguments, past the stages of tolerance, acceptance, and respect, and honestly appreciate the other persons desires, values, and beliefs. Many of us navigate different roads toward happiness, but even if we travel separate routes, it is important we appreciate the journeyâ€"not only ours, but the journey of everyone we love. When we appreciate others for who they are, not whom we want them to be, then, and only then, will we understand. So the next time you reach  a fork in the road, remember T.A.R.A.: Tolerate, Accept, Respect, and Appreciate. If you travel this path frequently, your relationships will flourish, and youll experience a richness of experience that wasnt possible without a deep understanding of the people in your life. This path works not only for significant others, but for friends, coworkers, and anyone else with whom we want to strengthen our connection. Of course there will be times when values clash, and you wont be able to appreciate the person for who they are. And there will even be rare times when T.A.R.A. is the wrong path altogether: if someone engages in self-destructive behaviorâ€"drugs, crime, racismâ€"then you should not appreciate their conduct. Sometimes its okay to say goodbye, walk away, and travel down a perpendicular path. Special thanks to Patrick Rhone, author of Enough, for last years lunchtime conversation about respect and appreciation.